#“my therapist railing me will fix me”

[ear-motif]

don't watch hannibal nbc if youre dealing with soul-crushing loneliness along with a major change in your life ESPECIALLY if you're queer bc your bran chemistry will be altered forever

[ravenromanova]

I fucking hate you

Parings: Bucky x Female avenger reader

Warnings: Enemies to lovers, Mean Bucky (only for a little). SMUTTTTT DO NOT READ IF YOURE UNDER 18+! Daddy kink, Metal arm kink, Praise kink, Hate fucking, Breeding kink, Unprotected sex, Oral (m and f), Fingering. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNDERAGE

Summary: When you and Bucky are forced to have a therapy session after a mission gone wrong you two find another way to let the anger out.

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~

The sound of the clock ticking mixed with a pen tapping against a notebook drives you insane as you stare at the wall. It’s been thirty minutes of silence with neither you or Bucky daring to speak first. In your eyes this session was pointless. He was the one who fucked up the mission and yet youre paying for it by having a therapy session with him.

The mission was a simple intel mission… or it should’ve been until Bucky went off the rails and got the both of you captured. Luckily you were able to get yourselves freed before anything bad happened. But nevertheless you were told by Fury and Maria that you two needed to fix the issues between you. Honestly you didn’t hate Bucky as much as you led on but he could be such an insufferable asshole sometimes.

He would constantly pick on you like a small child, belittle your powers and abilities, and not to mention he would constantly ditch you during missions. So since he wanted to be an asshole you decided that being a petty bitch would get him to stop… You were very wrong and that just seemed to make it worse for you.

All in all you were completely infatuated with the super soldier but it was clear he had no interest in you. So you kept up the petty bitch act and that just meant the two of you were constantly at war with one another.

“This is a waste of time, It wasnt even my fault the mission got fucked up so im not even sure why im here.” You state crossing your arms looking at Dr.Raynor.

“The reason youre here y/n is so you and James can work through whatever it is going on in hopes that you two start getting along” The older woman says with a slight shake to her head.

“I wouldn’t have a problem with him if he wasnt such a dick” Your words made Bucky whip his head to look at you with a scowl on his face.

“Oh im the asshole? What about you huh? You’re a fucking pest and not to mention the weakest one on the team” He scoffed looking back at raynor.

“THE WEAKEST ONE? The only thing special about you came from a fucking test tube” You retort feeling yourself about to explode from rage.

“Oh so that’s how we are gonna play this?” He asked cocking his head to the side with a smug smile.

“You act like youre tough shit when in all reality take off the arm and take away the serum then what are you? A amputee with a military background.. You aren’t that special” Your words hit a part of him he didn’t know existed anymore.

“Okay enough you two!” Dr.Raynor said before Bucky had the chance to respond. “This is ridiculous! Throwing insults back and forth wont help whatever is going on between you two” She continued and you and Bucky huffed.

“It definitely makes me feel better knowing miss priss over here gets knocked down a few pegs” He mumbles under his breath.

“Okay that’s it! I’m fucking done. I cant do this shit anymore. You wanna hate me? fine. Guess what? I fucking hate you too” You said standing up abruptly and slamming the door as you exit the room.

Bucky and Dr.Raynor both looked at each other and sighed. “Why cant you just be honest with her?” She asked him making him roll his eyes.

“I dont know what youre talking about” He shakes his head making the older woman groan.

“Dont play dumb James. We both know how you feel about y/n you are just to chicken shit to tell her” She retorts raising her eyebrows at the solider.

“You’re a terrible therapist” He retorts shaking his head at her comment. Yes Bucky was madly in love with you but he didn’t think you’d feel the same after his past and how he’s treated you.

Ever since Bucky had come back from being blipped he found it difficult to readjust to life yet again. So he did what he always did he threw himself into his work. Avenging became the only thing he did day in and day out. He had met you during a meeting when you were introduced as the newest Avenger. You were all bright and bubbly towards everyone even him.

Naturally he avoided you not wanting to taint the sunshine that shined from within. But despite him being a dick to you, you still smiled at him during training, said good morning whenever you saw him in the mornings. You were just always sweet to him for some reason even though he had never shown you kindness. Well that was until six months ago when one day you were just as bitchy to him as he was you.

For some reason that hurt Bucky more than he thought possible. He didn’t think he would miss your sunshiny attitude until it was gone. The two of you started fighting amend arguing over everything for the past six months. The entire team was annoyed by the sudden escalation in you and Bucky’s relationship. Normally he would just be cold to you and that was it. But now you’ve started fighting back which was a surprise to everyone since you were normally so quiet. Bucky missed the ray of sunshine you used to be but he also didn’t want to taint you with his presence.

But nevertheless Bucky kept up his whole thing of messing with you and you started being bitchy right back, which was why the two of you were forced into therapy together.

“Go tell her how you feel James, That’s youre homework for the week” Dr.Raynor said breaking Bucky out of his thoughts.

“And if i dont?” He pushed tilting his head. The woman looked at him then sighed.

“If you dont ill make sure you and Peter are assigned on the same missions for six months” She threatened and Bucky’s eyes widened at the thought of being stuck with parker on missions.

“Okay okay no need to do all that” He said standing up and putting his hands up in defeat. The older woman laughed to herself as she watched Bucky walk out her office.

Bucky had left the office to go and find you but had no luck. He had looked for you in all of your normal spots kitchen, living room, game room, your room but you weren’t there. It wasnt until he decided to check the training room that he had found you. You were at the punching bags hitting them as hard as you could to get out your anger.

“Y/n?” He said softly as he approached you carefully not wanting to startle you. You had turned around to face him with your chest heaving and your face sweaty.

“What Bucky?” Your voice dripped with venom as you spoke. Bucky had ran his hand through his hair sighing a little.

“Look i just wanted to say im sorry” He said and you looked for any hints of sarcasm or anything in his eyes but found none.

“I’m sorry im gonna need you to repeat that” You brought a hand to your ear acting like you didn’t hear him.

“I’m sorry for being an asshole. I never meant to hurt youre feelings doll” Bucky repeated but this time adding in a nickname that made your heart race.

“i-its okay” You stutter out not really fathoming the fact that Bucky is apologizing or that fact that he used a nickname to address you instead of an insult.

“No its not- i-i just dont know how to handle my emotions properly and i took it out on you when i shouldn’t have” His hands didn’t their way to your hips as he speaks. Your eyes go to his wands on your waist and then back up to him.

“It’s okay Bucky i get it” You say as your hands find their way to his shoulders. Bucky’s flesh hand moved to cup your face as he looked into your eyes making you melt. He slowly rubs his thumb against your cheek making you smile and lean into his touch.

“Why are you being so nice all of a sudden?” The question comes out shaky when you speak.

“Because it wasnt until you said that you hated me that i realized i fucked up and treated the one person who has never looked at me like a monster like shit. And i couldn’t stand the thought of you hating me.” He said honestly and for the first time you could see genuine emotion in his eyes.

“And whys that?” You ask stepping a little closer to him with a small smile.

“Because im in love with you” Bucky admits bringing you into a passionate kiss. You wrap your arms around his neck and deepen the kiss earning a small groan from him. The two of you get so wrapped up in each other you forget to come up for air.

“I-I love you too” You admit after you catch your breath making him smile. Bucky then picks you up and you wrap your legs around his waist. He then carries you out of the training room and takes you to his.

When he brings you back to his room he lays you down on the bed before getting on top of you. He slots himself between your legs as he brings you in for another heated kiss. You moan into the kiss as you feel his hands roam all over your body. Bucky’s hands find the hem of your shorts and pull them down your thighs not breaking the kiss.

“Please” You whisper against his lips feeling his metal hand graze your dripping core. He sits on his knees and takes off you shirt then bra before sucking on your nipple. You throw your head back in pleasure letting out a moan.

“Oh fuck” Bucky takes his metal hand and finds his way in your panties and starts playing with your clit. “Yes daddy” You whimper breathlessly feeling the cool metal come into contact with your heat.

“Oh you like that kotenok?’ He asks after he releases your nipple with a pop. You nod your head and whisper a ‘Yes’ and start bucking your hips against his hand.

“Please please fuck me” You beg moving your hand down to his clothed crotch.

“So needy” He mocks unbuckling his belt and drops his pants on the floor before taking off his boxers and shirt. Once he’s fully naked in front of you, you cant help but stare at his reddened cock standing at attention for you.

You sit up so you come face to face with the red tip and wrap your hand around the base of his cock. His eyes go wide and his breath catches in his throat when you lick the pre cum off his slit.

“So good” You whisper before you hollow out your cheeks and take him into your mouth. His hands instantly find their way into your hair trying to resist fucking your throat. You tap his thigh letting him know he can use you as he pleases.

Bucky then grips onto your hair tighter and starts to thrust into your throat. “Fuck kotenok” He whines feeling your tongue graze the vein of his cock. You open your throat as much as you can so you can fully take him and sink down to the base of his cock.

“Fuck- i-im gonna cum if you keep doing that” He grunts feeling your throat open and close around him. His thrusts gets sloppy as he feels himself about to finish. He abruptly stops thrusting and pulls himself out of your throat making you whine.

“As much as id love to make you swallow id much rather breed that pretty pussy” Bucky says wiping the drool off your chin making you nod your head. You quickly get on all fours in front of him and wiggle your ass making him smack it.

“Yes daddy” You moan in delight feeling his metal hand come into contact with your soft skin. Bucky smirks and smacks the other cheek making you moan happily.

“You like that baby?” He coos rubbing the red marks he’s left making you shiver.

“Mhm” You nod backing your ass up against his cock. He takes the sign and slowly eases himself into you before bottoming out.

“So tight” He groans pulling out then thrusting back in. You scream in delight feeling his thick cock stretch you out. You weren’t a virgin in the slightest but Bucky had definitely been the biggest you’d ever taken.

“S-So big daddy” The words come out broken as you feel his tip kiss your g-spot.

“You can take it baby. Take daddy’s cock be a good girl and take it so i can fill you up. Would you like that? Do you want me to breed you and make you a mommy?” He asks wrapping his metal arm around your neck bringing you up to get a new angle.

“OH FUCK YES” You scream at the new angle feeling him in a new way. The thought of Bucky breeding you makes your eyes roll back and your brain go fuzzy. “Please-please fill me up daddy” You bed as his thrusts get harder.

“Oh i will kotenok dont worry” He says squeezing his hand a little around your neck. You never thought in a million years you’d have all your fantasies come true but fuck were you loving it.

“G-Gonna cum daddy… can i cum?” The question is choked out making Bucky smile.

“Yes baby cum for me im right behind you” He said and that’s when the coil in your stomach snapped and you came all over him. Feeling your warm walls clench down on him sent him over the edge, and he wrapped his flesh at around your stomach holding you close as he came. Bucky’s thrusts slowed down as he fucked his cum into you ensuring none would leak out.

“Fuck baby” He groaned in your ear giving you kisses up and down your neck and collarbone. “You did so good kotenok” Bucky praised slowly pulling out but still holding you close. Once he pulled out he laid you against the pillows and settled in between your legs again.

“T-Thank you daddy” You said in a fucked out haze trying to catch your breath. Bucky kisses from your chest down to your thighs and then settles his face in front of your pussy. He spreads your wet folds with his flesh hand before leaving a kiss on your clit.

‘Too sensitive daddy-cant-please-“ You protest trying to close your thighs but failing as he holds them apart.

“Just wanna taste you baby” He whispers giving your thigh a kiss. Not trusting your voice you opt your nodding and letting him do what he wants.

He slowly licks a stipe from your hole to clit making you whimper and cry out. Bucky groans at the way you taste and starts eating you like a man starved. His lips wrap around you clit and starts sucking lightly making you claw at his back.

“Yes yes yes” You chant feeling another orgasm about to rip through you. He picks up the pace and starts sloppily eating your pussy making you feel like never before.

“Gonna cum!” You scream arching your back off his bed and gripping the sheets as you finish on his tongue. Bucky groans in satisfaction and licks you clean before bringing you into a messy kiss.

“So fucking good” He praised after he broke the kiss. You smiled at him and feel back against the pillows in a haze. You felt the bed dip and you saw Bucky walk into the bathroom and grab a wet cloth. He came back to the bed and cleaned you up while telling you how good you did.

“You’re so perfect” He whispered in your ear laying down next to you. You crawled over to him and laid your head on his chest looking up at his pretty blue eyes.

“Not too bad yourself” Bucky laughed at your comment bringing you in for a loving kiss. “I could get used to that” You said with a cheeky grin on your face making him roll his eyes in faux annoyance.

“You better because now youre stuck with me” He said giving you a wink. The thought if being ‘stuck’ with him gave you butterflies and make you melt even more into hin.

“I think id be okay with that” You said pretending to think about it making Bucky laugh. He ran his hand through your hair and admired your beauty. In all of his 106 years on this earth he never thought he felt this way about someone. That was until you.. And he’ll be damned if he ever lets you get away again.

~The end~

I do not give permission for my work to be copied or translated on other cites

[live-love-be-unique]

Misery’s your master

Summary: After an emotionally and physically draining mission Ghost finds you alone at the barracks.

This is my first attempt at writing angst, please be gentle!

Parings: Ghost x f reader

Warnings: mentions of death.

The mission should have been routine. Except intel had mentioned nothing about hostages; women and children that the cartel had locked in the warehouse. You’d tried to open the door before Gaz had shouted that it was rigged with explosives, and someone grabbed you, pulling you away just before the explosives were detonated. Killing all inside.

You’d been back on base for over a week now and everyone was treating you with kid gloves. Soap had tried to check in with you but at that point you were so sick of everyone asking how you were that you took a swing at him, after that Price insisted it was time that you speak to the base therapist. It wasn’t a bad idea, you hadn’t eaten or slept in days; the nights were the worst, you stayed awake replaying scenarios in your head, hearing the explosion over and over again.

For the first time in a week you had left your room, making your way to the mess hall and taking a seat as far towards the back of the room as you could find. Pulling your hood over your head and trying to eat something, anything that you could keep down, you felt the eyes of your teammates burning into you.

The hall suddenly became too much. The lights were too bright, the sounds and the voices overlapping each other was overwhelming. Your blood pounded in your ears, heart thudding in your chest. You had to get away. You couldn’t stay in that damned room anymore. With your breath heaving in your lungs, you push your way through the door and make your way towards a terrace at the end of the hallway. Standing in the open feeling the cold air against your skin you gasp, visions of civilians; of the women and children you couldn’t save replaying in your mind. Your hands trembled as you pull your lighter out of your jacket pocket. Clicking the lighter as hard as you can, it wouldn’t light. Frustrated, you sigh around the cigarette between your lips.

“Thought you didn’t smoke” a deep voice came from beside you. Glancing over you spot Ghost leaning against the railing, holding his own lighter under the cigarette still dangling from your lips.

“I don’t, generally” you mutter, inhaling and blowing the smoke into the night air. Watching for a moment, the way the smoke rings curled through the sky.

“How are you?” He questioned, pocketing his lighter.

“Nothing a shower and a good night’s sleep can’t fix” you shrug, avoiding his eyes.

He stared at you, “I’m going to ask you again how you are and I would like you to answer me honestly”

You don’t answer, turning your eyes back to the stars as you take a shaky breath. A warm pressure settles across your hand, looking down you see Ghost’s gloved hand resting atop yours. You let it settle there, his thumb tracing circles on your skin, anchoring your body as you took a shaky breath “I can’t get it out of my head, I can hear them screaming for me to help them. I should have…”

“Come on” He grunted, stepping back from the railing.

“What?”

“Hit me”

“I’m not going to hit you”

“You wanted to take a swing at something. You took a shot at Soap the other day” Ghost shrugged.

You stared at each other for a moment before you balled your fist and struck Ghost in the chest. “Again” he said.

Ghost kept saying “again” as he let he you hit him until you were gasping for breath and fat, heavy tears streaked down your face. You drew back your fist for one final hit but Ghost easily caught it; pulling you close against his chest as he held you tight, one large hand securely against your back holding you firmly against him and the other cradling the back of your head.

“The door was rigged. You were never going to get it open, the cartel had eyes on it the whole time. They wanted us in the warehouse when they blew it up” his voice was low and deep, you could feel his breath against your ear. “You tried to free them. Remember that, hold on to that”

You don’t know how long the two of you stood there like that. He let you cling onto him like a life raft as you cried out everything you had.

“…Thank you” you mumbled, pulling away whipping at your eyes with your sleeve. A door opened and the two of you watched as a group of recruits spilled out of the doorway.

“Don’t blame yourself for what happened” Ghost said, his eyes boring into yours.

“I’ll…I’m trying”

Ghost’s eyes soften at your response, you can hear him breathe out one word, with all the kindness in the world.

There is something so comforting about the simple phrase.

“Good,” he says quietly.

His hand moves to your face, to gently trace the skin on your cheek. A tiny muscle by Ghost’s jaw twitches as he watches you.

Almost as if he is suddenly realized what he was doing, his hand drops from your face and he steps back, glancing towards the door where the recruits came from.

“Make sure you eat something” he said before turning and heading towards his room. You stood alone in the dark for a moment before returning to the mess hall, a small plate of food in front of you almost as if Ghost’s words were the balm your soul needed.

[johnbrand]

First Session

As a therapist, Jay understood that trust was key, that was why he was currently lounging back into the fainting couch as his client entered the room. Fairly short, pudgy, and deemed “hardly enticing” by an ex-boyfriend, Jay knew he did not come off as intimidating. But this trick of letting his client play the therapist-role during their first session had yet to fail him. So as he watched the tall, young, muscular male approach, Jay’s confidence did not once sway.

“Doctor?” the client’s voice held arrogance and lacked maturity.

“Michael,” Jay extended a hand, noting a smirk emerging from Michael’s face as his meaty mitt enveloped the therapist’s. While the jock was dressed in the local university’s gear, Jay was currently displaying one of his finest suits. “Jay will do just fine.”

“Alright, Jay,” Michael replied, testing it out. “Where would you like me to sit?”

I ushered him to the chair: “For our first session, I like to have clients take on my role. Learn more about me, get to know my background. Trust is a two-way street after all.”

A cocky weight befell the jock’s tone. “So I can ask about anything?”

Jay nodded. Michael took a moment before continuing, “Well I can see why you went into this line of work. The kinds of people you cure must trust an attractive guy like you to fix them.” 

Jay was not sure how to respond. For a second he wondered if Michael was trying to deploy some sort of superiority tactic. But Jay was being too hard on himself. He had fostered his share of boyfriends over the years. His sharp, angular face was typically enough to at least get his clients' attention. Maybe Jay’s pretty privilege did help him with his work.

“You’ll have to share your workout plan with me too. You look better than half the guys on the team,” Michael added.

Jay felt a little uncomfortable. Had he ever visited a gym before? Sure his body looked great. The chiseled abs and wide shoulders gave his torso a very athletic shape. But it felt strange to admit that Jay worked out that much, even if he could recall countless memories going to the gym and exercising. Jay took a moment to refocus back onto his client. If Michael really wanted to know his routine for a great body, he would be happy to oblige.

“I guess guys our size have to be this big, right? We were practically born for the brawn.” Jay smiled politely at Michael, his eyeline adjusting momentarily. He was probably right though, being 6’3 meant either being skinny as a rail or built like a bull, and Jay preferred the latter. “It’s great that you dress as casually as you are too, it really reflects that personality.”

“To be honest, formal options for guys our size are just way too expensive. Even for me.” Jay chuckled, flashing his signature white teeth framed by a perfect beard. It is also a great way to flex my physique, Jay thought inwardly. His short-sleeved button-down left nothing to the imagination, with meaty arms stretching the seams and the tops of his hairy pecs leading the viewer down towards his ample crotch. Venturing further, one could trace Jay's thick, long legs all the way down to his sizable bare feet. “If I wouldn’t have known any better, Michael, I would have thought that was a compliment.”

“Bet you get those a lot from your clients,” Michael grinned. “The fags probably love spending time alone with a real man.”

Jay paused, his interest suddenly alerted. “What do you mean by that?”

Michael’s response reeked of innocence. “Oh, sorry I thought you were a therapist-”

“I am.” Jay's interruption was firm.

“-a conversion therapist,” Michael finished with a snarl. “Isn’t it your job to bring those sissies back to manhood. Classic, old-fashioned masculinity? I'd think you'd be pretty proud of it too.”

Jay remained still for a moment, frozen. Then, as if the answer had magically appeared, he replied: “Yes, you are correct, and I have yet to have anything but success. Although judging by this session, it appears you will not be added to that list.”

Michael chuckled, “So those studies really did allow you to sniff out a proper alpha. I’m really here just to scout you out, get your vibe before sending a classmate of mine your way. He needs to be ‘straightened out,’ if you catch my drift.”

“I’d be happy to,” Jay’s brilliant smile appeared once more, now broadcasting a more sinister, malicious bite.

Michael rose, “Good, I’ll be in contact with you shortly.”

“Thank you for your time, Michael.” The therapist did not get up from his position, instead cockily adjusting himself into a more enticing, predatory pose. “On your way out, would you mind sending the next client in?”

“I’d be more than happy too.”

[saywhatjessie]

“So you thought you kissed your way into that situation, might as well kiss your way out of it?” “Basically!” Jamie cried. “‘S like that old American sitcom, innit?”* Or the one where Jamie can't stop kissing Roy in front of other people. Written for the @rjbigbang! 10.1k [Ao3] Video by MicheleYourBelle under the cut

The way it started was so fucking stupid that Roy could not be surprised at any of the stupid things that followed.

He was sitting at his desk - the one that had formerly been Ted’s - and Jamie was sitting on the corner, chatting with Nate about Mother’s Day plans. It was still early, Jamie having taken a ride to training with Roy, so it was still mostly just the coaches waiting for the rest of the team to fill out the dressing room.

“It’s always shitty being so far from mummy on mummy’s day,” Jamie said, sadly, his feet gently kicking back against Roy’s desk. “But she always likes the flowers I send her. And Simon lets me pick what he makes her for breakfast, so it’s like I’m there.”

“That’s thoughtful, Jamie,” Nate smiled, his own feet kicking back against the bookshelves he always perched on. “My mum never lets anyone cook for her, not even on mother’s day. But I do get her flowers. My niece and I might make her another special box as well.”

“You’re dead good at those,” Jamie told him. “But what does she need all these boxes for?”

“Oh, nothing. They all end up collecting dust in the attic. But we like making ‘em and she likes getting ‘em, so there’s really no harm.”

“Unless you consider ecological harm,” Trent said, sliding into his place against the doorframe, his mug softly steaming. “I imagine this crafting generates considerable waste.”

“Come on, Trent, you can’t quantify the quality of making art by equating it to the trash it makes,” Beard argued. “I’d rather Nate and baby niece Nate make a ton of garbage doing crafts than the waste major corporations generate doing capitalism.”

“And you could always recycle,” Jamie said. “Use old magazines or summat. That’s what I used to do.”

“Were you crafty, Jamie?” Trent smiled. “Make little posters of your favourite footballers?”

Jamie stiffened, his eyes head making an aborted jerk like he was fighting not to look at Roy. “No.” 

Roy smirked.

“All right,” Roy started, leaning forward in his chair and shoving at Jamie’s back. “That’s enough, Tartt, go put on your kit.”

“Okay so maybe I did!” Jamie said, hopping off the desk and turning to face Roy. “Doesn’t mean they were for you. There are other footballers.”

“Not according to Simon,” Roy grinned, his head tilting back to look up at Jamie as Jamie stepped toward him. “I can call him and get the real story if you like.”

Jamie scoffed, folding his hands into the bottom of his jumper. “Simon doesn’t know everything .” He frowned, leaning forward. “But you better not call mummy.”

Roy rolled his eyes, his face going just a bit too fond for company. “Go change, Tartt.”

“Ay ay, Coach,” Jamie said before leaning in to kiss him goodbye.

Roy and Jamie had kissed before. They kissed all the time: had been since they first kissed after that disastrous fight over Keeley that got both of them kicked out of her home and good graces. They’d worked out their aggression, their mutual attraction and, soon enough, their quads while they were fucking it out back at Roy’s place.

Roy’d had a special clause put in his manager contract that he wouldn’t have to break up with Jamie and Jamie would be totally protected as a player if they did break up. He’d worked it out with Rebecca, with Higgins, and with Sharon during his many therapist appointments about it.

But no one else knew. They’d never done this in front of anyone else.

They both froze.

Jamie pulled away. He and Roy had a half second of eye contact where they had the following silent conversation:

“I fucked up.”

“You fucked up.”

“I can fix it!”

“How the fuck are you gonna fix it?”

“Shut up, I’ve got this.”

Jamie stood up, his back rail straight, and took a deep breath. Roy watched him as he put the ‘Jamie Tartt’ affectation back on, smirk fixed, as he turned back to the rest of the room, everyone still struck speechless.

“Coach!” Jamie said, again, stepping towards Nate. Nate sat there, stunned, as Jamie took his face in his hands and kissed him full on the mouth.

Now it was Roy’s turn to be speechless.

“Big man Trent Crimm!” Jamie said, turning to Trent, and planting a fat one on the writer’s mouth. Tren’t mouth was still puckered when Jamie pulled back.

Jamie turned and pointed at Beard. “And I wouldn’t forget you, Coach!”

Beard tilted his face up to accept the kiss, seeming more prepared for it than the other two had. 

Jamie pulled away with a loud “Muah!” and grinned around to the assembled coaches, slightly manic. “See you on the pitch!” And he turned and fled the office.

They all watched him go for a few beats before the other three all turned their gazes to Roy, demanding explanation.

Roy did his best to pull out a Roy Kent worthy performance. “What the fuck was that!?”

Trent hummed, touching his mouth, consideringly. “Not half bad is what that was.”

Roy swallowed a growl. He couldn’t be obviously jealous and it’s not like Trent was wrong. Jamie was a famously excellent kisser.

“I'm more surprised you let it happen,” Nate said, still staring at Roy. “You didn’t even headbutt him.”

Roy grunted, crossing his arms. “It’s in my contract I’m not allowed to nut players anymore.”

“Still, you think you’d do it on instinct,” Beard said, eyebrow raised. “You didn’t even shove him.”

“I panicked! Froze up or some shit.” Roy said, desperate to get the attention off of him. “None of you did it either.”

Nate shrugged his mouth. “Well I never dreamed he’d kiss me .” he said. “He used to shove sweaty pants at my face.”

“I figured he was trying something.” Beard said, dismissively. “Thought we’d see where it goes.”

They all looked at Trent who held up his rainbow mug in tribute. “Who am I to deny a kiss from a beautiful man?”

Roy very heroically did not possessively bare his teeth.

“Well I’ll tell him to cut that out,” he grunted. “Can’t have players just go around kissing people. We’ll have a whole sexual harassment crisis.”

“That’s only if people don’t want Jamie to kiss them,” Beard said, fairly.

Roy couldn’t quite bite back his growl at that. Beard put up his hands.

“I think it’s nice that we’ve created a culture where our players can be so comfortable with us,” Nate noted, pleased. “Remember when they were throwing me in bins?”

“Those can’t be the only two options,” Trent said. “Kissing or bins?”

“You’re right, we need a third option,” Beard said, leaning back in his chair. “Kiss, bin, go drinking with.”

“The three genders,” Trent confirmed with a smirk. “Of those three options, I’m happy to kiss Jamie. Couldn’t lift him to put him in a bin and I worry how we’d fair in conversation.”

Nate and Beard hummed in agreement and now Roy wanted to defend Jamie’s conversation skills of all things.

He wouldn’t because that would be fucking suspicious but he wanted to. How pathetic.

“I’ll bin the twat,” Roy said instead. “Someone should.”

“He’d probably bin himself if you asked him to,” Beard noted, smirking.

Roy smirked back, not disagreeing.

[Read the rest on Ao3]

[drewsbuzzcut]

Midnights Like This

mat barzal x model!fem!reader

a visceral in doses blurb

warnings: pregnancy, mentions fear of rain/thunderstorms

Because not every problem can be fixed with a single moment, no matter how much you want it to, you and Mat enrolled in couples therapy. It’s not because you don’t love each other anymore, but because your communication has gone off the rails a tad bit. Your therapist recommended staying apart for a few more months just so that the both of you can rebuild that once healthy communication. They also said that small dates- family dates or just you two -are really good for keeping things fresh. You’ve never had a problem with keeping things fresh, but you still went through with random date nights.

You are going on month three of therapy, and it should be your last month before you move back in with Mat. The month feels long with you eager to be back home and in his arms all the time. You’re also five months pregnant, it’s getting harder to take care of two boys by yourself majority of the time. Usually Mat will spend the night at the Hampton’s house, but he’s on a roadie so it’s just you and the boys.

It’s close to midnight, you’re laid out on the bed, watching Mat play. Your body is relaxed and warm until you hear the echoes of thunder, and you see the flashes of lightning that sneak past the curtains. Your heartbeat starts to speed up, but you have to remind yourself to stay calm. You focus on the sounds coming from the tv, hoping to calm down and that the thunder won’t wake up Nolan or Angel.

The low sounds of your phone ringing startle you, but “barzy🤰” popping up on your screen slowly starts to soothe your worry.

“Barzy,” you say softly, afraid your voice will break.

“Hey, are you okay? Is Nolan okay?” He asks hurriedly, you can tell he just got back to his hotel by the sounds of him discarding his things.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t we be?” You try to play it off, not wanting him to be worried when there’s nothing he can do when he’s across the country.

“Y/n. It’s storming over there. I know they aren’t your favorite thing, and I know Nolan is terrified of them. So I’ll ask again, are you both okay? Is Angel good, too?”

You forgot about Mat’s habit of checking the weather for wherever you and the boys are when he isn’t with you. Momentarily you forget about the fear rising in your chest, love replacing that emotion.

“We’re all good. I got a little anxious, but talking to you is helping a lot,” you answer his question, hearing the sigh of relief that falls from his lips. You could really go for a kiss right about now.

“I’m glad. You know you can always call me, even if it’s hours in the night, you can call.”

“I know, barzy. I think I should let you go, though. I don’t want to keep-“ you’re cut off by a house-shaking thunder that’s followed by a cry coming from Nolan.

You’re about to jump out of bed to run to him when you hear his little feet thumping against the wood floors. He throws your bedroom door open, tears falling rapidly and launching himself into the bed and into your side.

“No, don’t hang up. Let me talk to my little man,” Mat requests.

“Here, baby. Daddy wants to talk to you,” you whisper into Nolan’s ear as he is pressed up against you, of course, careful with your growing bump. You can feel him shaking and his lip is trembling. He peers up at you with wide eyes as his crocodile tears continue to fall. You caress his cheek, and push his hair out of his face while putting your phone on speaker.

“Talk to daddy.”

“Hey, nols. I miss you, bub, so much. I know it’s raining and loud over there, but I really need you to protect your baby brother and mommy,” he says to him.

“And baby too,” Nolan adds, making you smile at the way he remembers his newest, unborn sibling.

“Yes, and the baby, too. Protect them, okay. I love you. You should go back to bed, it’s late. Cuddle and give mommy kisses for me,” Mat finishes.

“Okay. Lub you, too, dada,” Nolan says in his little voice.

“I love you, baby. Thank you for calling,” you say.

“Always. I love you more. Goodnight, my love.”

“Goodnight.”

a/n: Hope y’all enjoy!

taglist: @literatureluster

[hashimasims]

Elucea: HOLY WOOHOCK! Who are you? How the Woohock did you get in

She looks around to get away not needing another kidnapping attempt but he's next to the only escape route unless she wanted to jump over the the railing. Would she and her babies survive?

???: Easy. Don't jump ok? I'm not here to hurt you. Kana had sent for me a while ago to talk to you, but then well - shit hit the fan. My name is Hypnos. No one answered when I knocked and one of the stable doors was left unlocked, I didn't think that was intentional so I locked it when I came in. Your downstairs door from your barn area was open as well, someone locked it but the lock looked busted probably from one of your goats headbutting it, if it was locked from the opposite side you probably wouldn't have noticed it was broken, that's how I got up here. I did have to sleep dust your dogs though, they'll be fine in the morning but, I didn't want to be bitten, and they tried. Was hoping they would bark to alert you I was here but seems they're both the bite now bark later kind. Your neighborhood is safe, so I don't think you have to worry about it for the night, but lock your bedroom door when you go to bed anyway and get it fixed in the morning.

Elucea: Hypnos? You were supposed to be my therapist.

Hypnos: And that's why I'm here. It was quite difficult to track you down, but once I did, I had to make sure Kanaloa wasn't going to follow.

Elucea: So they still don't know where I am?

Hypnos: No, and now doctor patient confidentiality prohibits I tell them, unless you say otherwise. Would you like to begin? Or would you rather I leave and try again some other time?

He never once tried to move closer to her, stayed rooted to the spot where he came out on the deck, and while speaking somehow gave Elucea the impression that if at any time she said to leave, he would. She'd never met him but he seemed trustworthy enough - other than putting her dogs to sleep - and she had been expecting him before everything happened.

Elucea: Umm . . . Yeah. OK, let's talk now. There's probably lots to talk about. And I don’t think that’s how the confidentiality bit works but thank you.

Beginning|Previous|Next

[lordsalemander]

The talk of ghost pirates and ships this episode got me thinking…

What if Bells Hells were pirates?

Here’s the roles I came up with (my knowledge of ship roles is very limited)

Captain: Imogen (mainly cause I love seeing Imogen take leadership roles, but she’s weathered many storms—hah, get it—so she’d be able to handle herself)

Quartermaster: Ashton (hooked on Ashton and Imogen’s dynamic recently plus he’d make sure everyone stays in line)

Sailing Master/Lookout: Orym (his perception is insane, plus it’s funny imagining him climbing up to the crow’s nest and barely being able to see over the railing)

Gunner: Fearne (letting Fearne handle the firearms is a great idea)

Powder Monkey: Mister (it’s perfect not only because it has monkey in the name but also because it’s kind of a helper role to the gunner)

Boatswain/Cooper: Chetney (makes sure the boat is in tip top shape cause he’s great at woodworking, and makes the barrels too)

Carpenter: Laudna (answers to Chetney cause he’s the woodworking master but her mending allows her to fix up the boat as well. She also handles the interior design obviously)

Doctors: mainly FCG with Fearne helping a bit (cleric, FCG also acts as the ship therapist of course)

Cook: FCG (he’s like the only one who has mentioned cooking/baking I believe)

Musician/Entertainment: Pâté (he’s great at singing—if you ask Laudna. Others might disagree—and he’s sometimes used as a kite when the winds are just right as well as other games that the crew makes up to entertain themselves)

As for the ship, I can see it maybe being called Bell’s Hell, and maybe the crew itself would be called Bell’s hellish pirates(?) I’d say it’s Bertrand’s ship and he brings the whole crew together akin to the start of campaign 3. Due to that I could see the figurehead being some dramatized figure of himself

[kickthecan-revolution]

I tried another edible last night and while I slept through the night, I wasn’t refreshed, I think it does disrupt the sleep cycles I need most right now so I’m going to stop. I made some pasta for breakfast and then fell back asleep until 9:30am. Watered all my plants and am just kind of in a daze, per usual. I had bad stomach issues that almost made me throw up while literally dealing with things in the other direction, and that sent me into a dark dark place. It's been a dark couple of days. I keep trying to feel normal, be normal and I feel that way in the mornings until I don't.

I had my therapy appointment scheduled tonight which I was dreading, I've definitely been in avoidant mode with people. And 10 minutes before, I found out a code in Seattle will prevent me from Airbnbing the duplex which made me freak out, it happened because my sister was talking to the manager of the building next door who hasn't fixed his rusted out railing that is leaning into my property and she went to ask him about it. She mentioned we were going to Airbnb it and he said "that is illegal on the water". So I freaked out and made her feel like shit in the process, right before this therapy appointment.

I logged on and immediately burst into tears, telling him it's hard for me to be with people when I am in a bad emotional place. So he kind of gently started therapizing me which was annoying but I just went with it because that's what we're doing. He asked me what I do with my time and I told him "nothing. I watch the clock until the time passes and I can say another day is gone, done, in my rear view mirror and I am that much closer to this being done. I am waiting for time to pass. I watch it pass. That's all I do."

All of the sudden I quietly said "I am just so fucking mad. I am so pissed this is happening to me. I am so angry."

I've told a therapist I was sad/depressed/scared/in despair before - but never angry. I never show that, ever. Ever. For some reason I did and he said "something in your face just came to life when you said that. What's happening in your body?" and he was right. I felt this....life, just course through me. Like I was awake for the first time in a week. So there's something here. I kept thinking of Richard Gere's character in Pretty Woman saying "I went to therapy for 10 years just so I can say 'I am angry at my father'" - that stuck with me.

But I am mad. I am so mad at so many things. I'm mad I have cancer, it fucking sucks. I'm furious. Being mad at my parents for being terrible human beings was never an option, it's like being mad at the strung out fentanyl addict on the street. They aren't there. That's what it always felt like. But if I were honest, that's what I tell myself - my mom was as fragile as she was because she didn't love us enough to get help. She was too prideful. Too scared. And she prioritized both of those things over a course of action that would have made her a better parent. I get to be pissed at that.

I hung up and felt so much better, called my sister and apologized and I'm so glad I did because she was beating herself up badly. We'll figure it out that place will rent to traveling nurses in 5 minutes. It will be great.

[purlturtle]

Hi, my therapist brought up the possibility that I might be HSP in a recent session and I had literally never heard of it before then! I came across one of your posts while trying to look up more, and really like how you framed it as "you can look into both the autism and HSP toolboxes to find what works for you" .

So I've got both "Unmasking Autism" and "The Highly Sensitive Person" on my reading list. I'm wondering if you have any resources you personally like, on top of that? tytyty

Hi! No written resources as such; the stance/attitude that helped me most is radical self acceptance (I know the word "radical" is attached to some really bad concepts, but for this one it is very necessary) - basically what it means is that you shift your mind to the standpoint that you, the way you are, are not broken, not in need of fixing, you are okay, flaws and all, you just live in a world that isn't made for you. Or, as Beverly Crusher has it, "if there's nothing wrong with me, maybe there's something wrong with the universe."

There IS nothing wrong with being neurodivergent. Of any kind. It's just that the world/society that we live in isn't really accommodating of neurodivergence of any kind.

Acceptance of that means not railing against the fact THAT the world is like that, but instead channeling that anger towards figuring out how to live in this world, while going from the absolute belief that YOUR well-being (you personally, anon!) is paramount. Supermarkets are too loud, too bright, too much; okay, how can I order my life to not have to go there (deliveries, go to a different supermarket that has quiet shopping time, etc.), and if that's not possible, how can I mitigate the experience (headphones, sunglasses, clear and precise shopping list, go twice a week for shorter etc.) - rather than think "everyone else can do it, I just need to get used to this, why am I this messed up, just man up" etc etc.

Whatever accommodations and strategies you can implement that help YOU live better in this world that isn't made for us, is worth trying out and sticking to. Even if it alienates other people. I've lost quite a few casual contact friends over no longer going out - but no longer going out has brought me so much peace of mind! And true friends will understand when you say "hey this overwhelms me, can we meet at home and play boardgames instead?" and be happy to accommodate you. Because that's what friendship is!

I don't have any books or websites about this; it's just the way that I've learned to live my life. I know a lot of neurodivergent people struggle with the concept of self-worth, of even being worth making that much fuss over, of not wanting to be a bother - if that is you, anon, then my last piece of advice is to tackle that in therapy. Because you ARE worth it, and it's important for you to learn that in order to advocate for yourself. You need to be in your own corner, you need to be your own ally. From my point of view, nothing has helped me more in my mental health journey. I hope this will help you too!

[negative-speedforce]

anyone for the quotes "I'm sorry you felt like you couldn't tell me about this. I'm sorry you felt like you had to keep this from me." "I'm going to do better from now on. I promise you, I'm going to do better. I'm going to be better. For you." "Look at me, [name]. Look at me. This isn't your fault. None of this is your fault. You didn't do anything wrong, do you hear me?" "I can think of far better things for you to do with that pretty little mouth of yours than talk back to me." "Keep your secrets if you must, but do not believe you can lie to me." and "Okay, before you try to murder me, just let me explain." :)

"I'm going to do better from now on. I promise you, I'm going to do better. I'm going to be better. For you."

With: My OCs Siv and Hailey

"That's a lot of nerve, coming back here." Hailey took a puff off her cigarette, narrowing her eyes at Siv. "Especially after what you did."

"Look, I'm sorry. I fucked up, a lot." Siv took a deep breath. "I thought I could change things. I thought I could bring back what I lost. But what I made was so much worse than before. I had what I wanted, but everyone else..."

"I know." Hailey replied. "But that's not what I'm angry about. Screw the timeline. I trusted you, and you betrayed me. You took the Spear for yourself, when you had told me that I could trust you."

"I know, I know, and I'm so sorry." Siv said. "Please, Hailey. I ruined everything, and I betrayed your trust, and..."

"How can I believe you? Especially after that stunt you pulled?" Hailey snorted. "There is something fundamentally wrong with you, Sivonne, and I can't fix it for you. Sort your own shit out. There's nothing here for you."

"I signed up for therapy."

"What?"

"I took your advice. I have a therapist now. Her name's Kelsie. She's been helping a lot." Siv leaned against the railing of the fire escape. "My priorities were screwed for a long time. My hatred took over, and I couldn't see anything but red. I'm sorry. I was wrong."

"You're actually blaming yourself for once? That's rich."

"Yeah, I am." Siv said. "I was in a really dark place. It's no excuse, though, I should have known better. I'm going to do better from now on. I promise you, I'm going to do better. I'm going to be better. For you."

"I don't know if I'm ready to forgive you yet." Hailey admitted. "But this is a step in the right direction. I'm happy for you, Siv. Maybe in another world, we would have actually worked out."

"I understand." Siv turned to leave. "It was fun while it lasted, I guess."

"Same." Hailey replied. "You take care of yourself out there. Don't get into- or cause- too much trouble."

"I'll try." Siv smiled slightly. "And Hailey? Take your own advice. Trust me, it really helps, working though everything, all the horrible shit you've seen and been through."

[melukonova]

USER INTERFACE.

ABOUT ME.

i/enfj & virgo! she/her or he/him, whichever you prefer. hajime iwaizumi’s stem gf!!! currently in my third year so if my posts are very minimal, i apologize for a busy schedule! hi, my name is sky :) i’d love to be friends!!! my askbox is also open if you’re too shy to show who you are (i get it because i get shy too). i am both a gamer & a writer in my free time. my favorite idea of a date is long walks around the beach and sitting on a beach while the night sky is out.

i have many pen names all around the board: panda / sky / altair / irelia / albion, etc. you may call me any one of them that suits what you like! i also kin a multitude of characters which include: oikawa tooru, tartaglia, irelia, futaba sakura, etc.

BEFORE YOU INTERACT / DO NOT INTERACT.

BYI

slow in writing and slow in replying, i prioritize my studies for the most part

sarcastic but i don’t really mean much by it, i like friendly banter

@silverflqmes is my best friend<3 we never shut up about each other.

i tend to hyperfixate on one thing a lot so that will be all i talk about for the next month.. or however long i’m into it

FINAL HAIKYUU QUEST IS REAL!!!!

don’t ask me for nsfw, i won’t write it. i do write with mature themes in mind so my blog is 17+ with those themes!

age must be in your bio or i’m blocking if you interact a lot and are under aged.

please don’t mention su!c!de in my inbox, it’s sensitive for me, same with guns/shootings, or sending me anything with the sounds of a gun

if i offend you, please communicate with me and i will do my best to fix it! whether it’s in a fic or based off of what i say in my asks.

DNI

don’t follow basically dni criteria

easily butthurt, proshipper, clout seeker, etc. it’s just unnecessary drama that i don’t want

you talk about my friends or my favs poorly

take advantage of people to a point where i feel more like a therapist than a friend

i’m okay with most things otherwise.

INTERESTS.

* not in order!

haikyuu, genshin, final fantasy, kingdom hearts, bleach, star wars, honkai: star rail, league of legends (lore only), pokemon, persona (3-5R) fate grand order (up to ab lb1 but love lb6), bungou stray dogs (up to s3 & wan), kirby, xenoblade chronicles, smash bros series, the galaxy, sci-fi, dc comics, music (edm & emo punk), fire emblem, stars, the sky, and shoujo animes (would love to talk about them)

currently listening to: my spotify playlist for reading!

SELFSHIPS.

- tagged under lore (🪷) so feel free to block that tag if you do not like them or if my selfships make you uncomfortable!

fate grand/order: oberon, melusiné, barghest, merlin

haikyuu: iwaizumi hajime

final fantasy: cloud, zack

italics - fav from that fandom

italics/bold - my main selfships

melukonova, 2023. 𓂃 ☄︎

[steveisagay]

How to fix the damage

Disabled Munver

Warnings: Ableist language, written at 1 am

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 6.5 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9

Today was a shit day for everyone. Eddie lost his temper at the kids, yelling through the halls that he didn't need to be observed like some animal everyday. Jason also lost his shit, but in a different way. He got pissed at the whole idea of physical therapy and ended up falling badly. He claimed that if the doctors thought that physical therapy would've helped that he could walk. So his physical therapist, not wanting to start a fight, let him try to walk with one of the rails. He clutched it and got about three steps, but then he fell. Jason had always been stubborn, so then he dragged himself along the floor until he was almost to the elevator.

When Eddie finally got back from his run to the vending machine to clear his thoughts he walked in on Jason trying to lay on his side and sobbing loudly.

"Hey dude... You doing okay?" Eddie cautiously asked, knowing how he could fly off the handle at times.

"Do I look like I'm fucking okay?" His voice started to break as he turned his head towards the metalhead. He looked pathetic, but Eddie would never admit that. Carver had gone through hell, he got ripped in half for God's sake. He couldn't help but pity him, but the last thing Jason Carver wanted was anymore pity. It was like seeing a soaked puppy on the street, Eddie couldn't pull over to pick up the soaked puppy cause it'd just run away.

Eddie made his way over to his shitty hospital bed, sitting on the side so he could talk to Carver. "Listen, you seem like you're having a completely terrible day," He talked with his hands in a more enthusiastic manner in an attempt to cheer the blonde up, "I can give you my blankets, pillows, or even better I can try to help you on your side or something like that."

"No- Nononono, I don't need any of your help, or pity or any of that! I'm already a cripple I don't need to be treated like one!" Jason exploded at Eddie. Everything was just too much today, Eddie's kids brats were running and screaming all day and then his physical therapist couldn't see the fact that he was broken beyond repair. "I'm a fucking cripple so now my life is down the drain, I can't even piss by myself cause the bathroom door is too small for my chair!" Hot tears ran down Jason's cheeks and Eddie couldn't just sit across from him anymore.

He got up to sit by Jason Carver making sure to grab his two limp pillows. "Jason, just because you were through a horrific event doesn't mean you're useless, you shouldn't talk to yourself like that-"

"I can't fucking walk Munson, a year ago I was preparing for basketball games and now I'm a fucking vegetable!"

Eddie felt himself move without thinking and grabbed onto the collar of Jason's sweater. "Shut the fuck up, just shut the fuck up for one second! You aren't a fucking vegetable, if you were a vegetable you wouldn't be able to feel this much about this! Now let me help you get comfortable so you're not stuck on you're back like some sort of turtle,"

He took his time to move his pillows under Carver and propping him up so he was sitting more. When he got done moving the other like some sort of rag doll Jason had calmed down and was clinging onto him like a little kid. "Is there anything else you wanna add?" Eddie looked down at him. Jason shook his head in his shoulder.

10-20 minutes later Jason finally spoke up, "Munson?" Really what he wanted to ask was why was he still here? Why'd he care so much? But maybe this was one of those times where it was best to hold his tongue. "If I wasn't just some cripple... Then..?" His voice started to wobble some more. "Then why'd my parents go back to their life after they figured I'd be okay?"

"You're strong Carver, plus if they're shitty enough to leave their son in need then they can go fuck themselves," He looked down at him, then quickly changed the topic, "You wanna try to fit you're nap in?"

[cilldaracailin]

I Was Born To Love You

Hello My Tumblr Lovely's

Thanks so much for the love!

Here is the next part :)

Suze xx

12

“The music in his laughter had a way of rounding off the missing notes in her soul.”

The next morning, Robyn could tell Taron was giddy about his upcoming spa treatments and after they had eaten breakfast at the buffet, back in their room changed into their swimwear and made their way towards the spa. They were greeted by a pristine staff member who guided them to their personal room. Beautifully tiled, it was bright with light from a skylight above their heads, a pale sandy colour scheme running through the whole room. A jacuzzi was fixed into one side, a small waterfall flowing gently into the water, the sound echoing through the room. Two sun loungers were set to the side, blue cushions on them which matched the colours of the small square tiles that lined the jacuzzi and there was some easy listening music playing quietly through a speaker invisible to the eye. In front of the small pool were two curtains which contained a rainfall shower and further into the room, a counter with a full jug of water with lemon slices and cucumber in it. The room smelt fresh, clean and Robyn felt the nudge from Taron as they walked into their own private spa for the next few hours.

They followed the staff member who led them past the little pool and to the opposite side of the room from the main door.

“In here there is a heated jacuzzi you can use. Please be careful as you step in and hold the hand rail. Robes are just to the left and towels are rolled and on the shelf. There is also a mini fridge here which has a selection of beverages and a fruit bowl is on the table for you both too as well as the flavoured water and a few snacks. The main swimming pool is through the door opposite and there is access to the outdoor pool from the main pool. There is also a steam room and sauna at the main pool if you would like to use it.” The staff member gave them a smile. “You are booked for the morning until two pm. Mr Egerton your treatments will begin at ten thirty. Your facial will be first followed by the massage and your therapist will come to your room here to bring you to the therapy room. Miss Quinn, while I know you have no treatments booked, if you like to change your mind, there is a spa menu on the table and you can just let us know.”

Robyn shook her head. “I am going to take advantage of the swimming pools thank you.”

“Sure, no problem at all. Well please enjoy your morning and if you need anything at all, there is a phone there on the wall which connects right to reception.”

Once the door was closed, Robyn fully grinned as Taron did a cute little dance in a circle. “Happy?” She asked.

“Just a bit.” He replied. “A whole room to ourselves for a full morning and afternoon, with cucumber water, robes, a jacuzzi and mini fridge.” Dancing back over to her, he stole a quick lip kiss. “Thank you for booking this for us.”

“You are more than welcome. Dolphins for me and spa for you.”

“And two treatments too?” He grinned.

“Two.”

“Which you picked. Facial and massage? Should I be worried about what you choose? Or like I said last night, can you please be my therapist?”

She gave a chuckle. “No need to be worried. I picked two you will enjoy. A facial specifically for men’s skin and just a normal traditional massage. No hot stones or seaweed wraps.” She walked into his arms as he hugged her.

“And you are just going to swim? Are you not even tempted by a facial?”

“And scrub away my new freckles? Not a chance. The lady said there was an outdoor pool. I can swim and tan while you get a little pamper.”

With a kiss, they decided to take some time in the jacuzzi first, then moved to the soft blue beds to lay back and relax in their robes. When the therapist knocked on the door, Robyn got up to let her in and took her leave to the swimming pool. She didn’t mind at all that they were going to be separated for a little while. Taron deserved the treats and he had been so good following her around the aquarium, it was his turn for something he loved. There were a few other guests in the inside pool but Robyn headed for the one outside, no guests around as the heat of day beamed down and she breathed in the beautiful warmth around her. A little chilly at the first, the water in the outdoor pool was gorgeous and Robyn swam some easy lengths, taking her time and not over doing it. Still always aware of her anaemia, she took to a sun lounger after a while to soak up some more sun.

She knew Taron’s facial and massage would take about two hours and waited a little longer before going back to their room. Peaking in the door, Taron was alone and laying back on the soft blue cushion of the lounger by the jacuzzi. He was in the robe but it was open and his left arm was hanging off the side of the bed, his right leg bent at the knee. She walked over to him and just smiled at how peaceful his face looked. His face was a little red, his hair a mess too but content and worry free. She dropped the towel she had at the pool on the other chair and sat on his lounger on his right side. She was sure he felt the cushion move but his body didn’t react.

“That good huh?” She asked him, his lips lifting in a tiny half smile.

“Hmmm.”

“You get a head massage too?” She asked. “Your hair is a mess.”

“Nope. Just back.” He replied lazily.

Robyn placed her right hand on his chest and used her thumb to gently stroke over his heart, his chest lifting and falling in easy breathes. They were only five days into their ten-day sun holiday and already he was a golden-brown colour, similar to hers and she dragged her index finger down his stomach, teasing a little under his swim shorts, a peak of whiter skin on show. She loved the reaction he gave her, a little jump with his leg from the unexpected touch and she caught his eyes as they finally opened. His lifted his left hand to gently take her wrist, placing her hand on his chest, Robyn smiling at his actions. “Is now a good time to tell you I brought Stella’s bikini with me to the spa?”

Both of Taron’s eyes opened and he moved to sit up on his elbows. “Oh you did, did you?”

“Hmm yeah. Like I said, it is more suited for a private function.”

“Can’t get more private than a private spa for two.”

“It’s a once off and then a change back.”

“That bad” He asked, a half lobsided smile on his face.

“Just not for me but I thought you’d enjoy it.” She saw his eyes widen and his grin grow. “Give me five.”

Robyn stood up and grabbed her bag and headed for the bathroom. While she did call it a bikini it was really a one piece and Claire who had convinced her to bring it. She would never been seen in it in public. Actually she would never be seen it in at all but there was a little smile on her face as she fixed the so-called suit so it covered her body. There wasn’t a sign of a tan line on top with the way the material sat but as the lower half was not a traditional pants shape, the white tan line from her usual bikini bottoms were on show. Of course, Taron had seen all the tans line she had, and her his but the suit made it much more obvious. Black in colour, she adjusted it once more and then stepped out of the bathroom.

The wolf whistle made her blush and Taron was up on his feet, robe forgotten and he was by her side in seconds, his hands immediately on her bare waist. “I will have to send Stella a thank you note.” He said biting his lower lip. “Fuck me Robyn, that’s not a bikini. I don’t even know what this is.”

“It’s material that covers what it needs to cover.” She replied but her tone was light. Taron’s palms ran up and down her bare sides, his fingers crossing over the material that stopped below her belly button, up her stomach and towards her neck, his lips immediately replacing his fingers as he kissed chlorine scented skin.  Her eyes closed and her breathing immediately changed and she pressed her hands onto his chest to give him a light push away. “And that is why this is needed for private.”

“You would get a very uneven tan if you wore this on the beach.” He chuckled.

Robyn’s laughter joined his. “So very true and why it has not been worn in public and will never be worn in public. It will probably not be worn again to be honest.”

“Really?” He asked.

“Really Taron. Not a suit suitable for any use at all.”

“I could quickly find a use for it.” He winked and dipped his head to kiss her neck again.

“Taron…”

“You know, as much as this is fun and…” He kissed her lips and was biting his lower lip again. “Well…” He took a long breathe. “Lots of fun.” He added. “Maybe we can do a private spa in our room and you can actually be my therapist and give me a head massage wearing this?” He rose an eyebrow her way with a gorgeous boyish grin on his face.

“You need to book in for that and I am afraid, I am all booked up at the moment.”

She squealed when he picked her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist, her hands around his neck and knew exactly where she was going, the splash a small one as he gently dropped her into the jacuzzi, Taron quickly following after her.

“All booked out?” He asked her as he pulled her onto his lap, his hands brushing wet hair from her face. “I had no idea you were so popular.”

“My head massages are renowned.” She giggled, her hands lifting straight away to his hair, her head tiling to the side. “Thought she didn’t touch your hair.”

“She didn’t.”

“Yeah, then why it is all oily?” Robyn asked. He opened his mouth to answer her but closed it again. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” She leaned in to kiss his forehead. “But I can always make room for my favourite and only rocketman.” Kissing his lips, she got up from his lap. “I am going to put my suit back on. This is really not appropriate for a spa.” She climbed out of the jacuzzi but turned back to him. “I have a date this evening, but I am free after that.”

Taron only grinned as Robyn walked away, his eyes firmly on her back as she went, telling his whole body to calm down and relax. Daring, extremely revealing and so un-Robyn like, the suit was not what he was expecting at and he gave himself a mental note to thank Stella for it.

Robyn was back with him in a minute and joined him in the jacuzzi, pressing the button for the bubbles as they sat and chatted. As their time in the spa came to end, they folded their towels and placed their robes on the bed. Making sure they had everything they brought with them, took one last photo, Robyn trying to smooth Taron’s hair down but it was no use. They thanked all the staff and headed back to their room, deciding to do a quick change, go for lunch at the buffet and then make their way to the pool for a few hours, before getting ready for their date.

Robyn had no idea where they were going, Taron just saying it was dinner and as she routed through the clothes she had brought with her later that evening, picked a dress Stella had sent her. White with some pink flowers, it was pleated and went below her knees and tied around her neck. Pretty and feminine, it was perfect for a date night. She smiled into the mirror thinking about her dinner date. It had been a very long time since she had been asked on a date and nervous butterflies were low in her stomach. She told herself not to be stupid, it was just dinner with Taron but still, a date. Brushing her hair through, she left it straight and only added a brush of mascara through her lashes and a dap of nude lipstick to her lips. She had some nice sandals, again from Stella to finish her outfit off and standing up, smiled as Taron was buttoning his shirt. Dressed in black slacks and a patterned shirt, he looked as handsome as always.

“So where are we going?” She asked coming to sit beside him on the bed.

“Dinner.” Rolling her eyes, she lightly gave him a push, smiling as he kissed her cheek. “You will find out soon enough.” He looked back as his phone rang and on his feet, he walked to the locker. “Mam.”

“Answer it.” She told him. “I am just ready.” She headed for the bathroom and let Taron answer the call to his mam. Double checking her outfit and with a spritz of perfume, she made her way into the bedroom, a quiet bedroom. “Taron?” She called out but heard no answer so figured he was on the balcony again showing his sisters the view. It had been a treat for them to see the ocean from their hotel room, the sandy beach beside it, both begging to be brought for a visit so they could see the dolphins too. Robyn didn’t know when she would be back in Clearwater and was just determined to continue to enjoy their time together. They still had four days left by the ocean and had planned to do nothing more than sit on the beach for those days. Checking her phone, it was near seven-thirty and she wondered if Taron was near finished on the phone. Apart from dinner, the only other thing she knew was that the reservation was at eight. It was all she had managed to get out of him and figured they needed to leave soon if they wanted to make it.

Her head turned when she heard a knock on the door and guessing Taron hadn’t heard it as he was still on the phone, walked out of the bedroom to the door of their hotel room, opening it and stepped back with a surprise.

Taron stood leaning against the door, a bunch of vibrant flowers in his hands. “Ready for your date?” He asked.

“What on earth are you doing out there?” She asked, trying to keep the stupid grin from her face as he stood outside their hotel room, a gorgeous lobsided smile on his face.

“Picking up my date.” He replied handing her the flowers. “You look beautiful.” He said as he leaned in to kiss her cheek.

“You are a tosspot.”

“Your tosspot date for the night.” He chuckled. “So, you ready to go?”

Robyn smelt the flowers and nodded. “Sure. Thank you for these. They are gorgeous. Would you like to come in?” She stepped back and Taron chuckled as he walked into his own hotel room. “Let me pop these into some water.” A pint glass from the press was all she could find and once filled with water, placed the bouquet into the glass. “Taron these are so lovely. Thank you.”

“You are welcome cariad.”

“Let me get my bag and phone and we are all good to go.” Robyn left him and quickly picked up her bits, grabbing the card key from the counter as she walked past. “You left the room to come back again?”

“I had to collect my date.”

“Are you going to tell your date where we are going?” She asked as they left the room.

“Don’t you trust me?”

“With my life.” Robyn said firmly.

“Then I promise you that you will like it.” He assured her, taking her hand.

Outside the hotel, he guided her to the left and they walked two blocks before he took another left turn and stopped outside a restaurant. It was a way they had not wandered through yet and Robyn had not seen the restaurant before, but it looked really lovely from the outside, right on the beach. “After you.” He opened the door for her and once in, placed his hand on her lower back as they headed for the reception desk.

“Good evening. How can I help you.”

“I have a reservation under Egerton.”

After looking at her book, the hostess gave him a smile. “Sure, I have you here. Table for two. Great.” She picked up two menus. “If you would like to follow me, I will bring you to your table.”

Taron let Robyn go first, his hand still on her lower back and he could tell she was smiling as they reached their table. The outdoor section of the restaurant was lit with hundreds of white fairy lights and with no railing, their table was right by the sand, the moon reflecting on the ocean further out.

“Your server will be with you in a few, if you would like to take a seat.”

“Perfect. Thank you so much.”

“Sure. Have a nice meal.”

As the host walked away, Taron finally got to see Robyn’s face and as expected, she was grinning.

“You specifically asked for a table right on the sand so we could hear the ocean waves?”

“Only the best for my girl.” He answered as he pulled out her chair for her.

Robyn took her seat and draped her bag over the back of the chair, reaching for Taron’s hand over the table as he sat. “This is perfect.”

“It really is.”

Picking up their menu’s, they browsed the options, already deciding they were going to order whatever they wanted. It had been a long time since lunch and both were hungry and even though it was mainly a sea food restaurant, there were lots of great options both were considering. The server arrived at their table and took their drinks order, Taron insisting on a bottle of champagne for their special date. The ordered a starter and main each, Taron going for a fish option for both while Robyn chose chicken for her main. Arriving very quickly after they ordered, their starter was presented beautifully, while the main course was cooked perfectly and delicious and both cleared their plates with ease. When the server took their plates and asked about dessert, she didn’t even finish the sentence before Robyn said yes, Taron chuckling at her.

“Yes please.” Robyn said again. “I would love the dessert menu.”

“Sure. I will get it for you now.”

Taron was still grinning as she walked away. “Keen for dessert?” He asked.

Robyn nodded. “Yes. Everything has been so yummi, I can only imagine how nice dessert will be and I am not sharing before you ask.”

His grin turned to a chuckle. “I wouldn’t even dare ask.”

“Good ‘cos I am not.”

“Well cariad that means you can’t have mine either.”

“That’s absolutely fine.”

“And two dessert menus.” The server came back to them and placed a menu in front of each of them. “Our special dessert today is a key lime pie cheesecake served with mascarpone cream and a lime curd dressing.”

Robyn’s eyes widened as she looked to Taron as the server told them about the dessert special.

“I guess you don’t need the menu then.” He joked as he picked up his to look through the other options. “They have a chocolate caramel fudge cake too.”

“Oh no…” Robyn opened the menu and found another four options she wanted to have.

“Just get both.” Taron suggested. “May as well.”

“Both?”

“Why not. I know you want to get the key lime pie thing and caramel is your favourite so get both.”

“What are you going to get?” She asked.

“I think I will go with the tiramisu but the mini doughnut holes also sound really good.”

“Get both.” Robyn grinned.

“So, what can I get you?”

Ordering two desserts each, they knew it was probably a terrible idea but they were on holiday and on their first date so it was a very special occasion and when the four plates arrived, the host took a photo when Robyn asked, wanting a nice memory for her wall of photos.

Even though they both had a starter and main, they managed to finish every crumb of cake they had ordered, Taron sitting back with his hands on his stomach, sighing very happily.

“Taron this was a most perfect meal. Thank you so much for our date.”

Leaning forward in his chair, he reached over to take Robyn’s hand and agreed. “Most perfect first date.” During their meal, a guitarist and female singer had been entertaining the guests with easy listening songs and now the mood had changed a little more romantic and as he watched Robyn’s hair blow gently in the breeze, his heart was completely taken by the woman in front of him and he had a sudden urge to just dance with her. Getting to his feet, he walked onto the sand and around the table and held his hand out to her. “Dance with me.” He simply said as the musicians started to play one of his favourite love songs by Forest Blakk and he had to get her up to dance with him. “Come on cariad, dance with me.”

Robyn looked at his out stretched hand and then to the band that was playing and back to Taron. She couldn’t tell what it was that made her get to her feet: the champagne, the music, the most wonderful evening or just him but she took his hand, kicked off her sandals and let Taron lead her onto the sand beside their table, slipping her arms around his shoulders and her right hand into his left which was waiting in the air. It was a simple little waltz they started a in a slow circle to the beat of the song, around and around, their eyes locked together as they moved. She vaguely heard the musicians invite other to join them in their dance, and could see people watching as they moved to the music but her focus was solely on Taron. Green eyes bright in the lights of the restaurant, his body was beautifully warm and he pulled her closer into him as the second verse started, making it so easy for her to lay her head on his shoulder as his arms wrapped tighter around her. From the corner of her eye, she could see others had joined them on the sand and it was a really sweet moment to see all the couples dancing to the beautiful song.

Taron pulled away for a little and giving her a grin reached out his hands for the waltz position again and Robyn laughed loudly as he guided them in a huge circle around the sand, both taking large steps still in time to the music, sand kicking up a little around them as they waltzed together until he stepped into her and wrapped his arms around her to lift her up, Robyn’s hands going to his cheeks and around to the back of his neck as he gently placed her down. Swaying slowly now, as the song ended, Robyn didn’t care that whole restaurant was watching them, she had to give him a soft kiss on his lips, another on his nose and finally his forehead, whispering I love you to him, hearing him say back to her immediately.

Dance over, they went back to their table, grinning with the other guests who had also gotten to their feet for a dance, smiling more when the musicians started another beautiful song.

“I think it might be time for the check.” Taron said as he motioned to their server.

“I think that is good idea.” Robyn agreed, not even questioning him as he paid for their meal.

Leaving a tip on their table and thanking the musicians as they walked past, hand in the hand they strolled back to their hotel and once in their room, Robyn pulled Taron to her to kiss him slowly and deeply, one hand going to his hair, the other to his back pocket of his trousers.

“So it has reached that part of the evening.” He murmured against her lips.

“I believe you booked a head massage.”

“Hmmm…” Taron’s head lowered as she scratched his scalp. “I believe I did and it came with a special outfit for the therapist to wear.” He smirked as he dipped to kiss her neck.

“Oh it did, did it?”

“Hmmm… yes, a black one.” He confirmed.

Robyn lifted his head from her neck and kissed his lips once more. She slipped around him and placed the do not disturb sign on their door, closing it again and locking it. “If sir would like to strip down and get comfortable on the bed, I will be with him momentarily.”

“Yes ma’am.” Taron grinned, Robyn walking away from him and to the bathroom and once she was gone, he quickly pulled off his shoes and socks, followed by his trousers and shirt, everything falling onto the ground in a heaped mess. Crawling up onto the bed, he sat up in the pillows and was already tingling from head to foot, his boxers tightening with each passing second.

His head turned as the bathroom door opened, jaw dropping as Robyn came out in the swimsuit Stella had picked for her. He had seen it before but it still made his whole body heat up quickly and she slowly walked over to him, climbed up onto the bed, creeped across to him, and straddled his lap as he sat.

“So one head massage?”

“Yeah… yes.” Taron agreed with a little stutter as her two hands went into his hair, her fingers digging so gorgeously into his scalp. His head dipped and groaned as Robyn increased the pressure on his hair, while she tightened her knees around his waist. He had the perfect view of her body and his hands slipped around her back, his own fingers rubbing up and down her spine, over her thighs and around to her bum, the sparse material of suit meaning it was just skin he was touching.

Robyn was finding it increasingly difficult to sit still as Taron’s hands caressed her back and legs and she moved her hands to the back of his neck, rolling her thumbs into his skin. She knew her breathing had changed and she could feel Taron’s heart beating fast as her hands ran down his chest, moving them up to his cheeks so she could cup his face to kiss him.

“Did I mention that this is a very special type of massage that comes with extra perks?” She whispered to him as his hands wandered under the front of her suit. “And they are free.”

She caught Taron’s groan with a kiss and squished herself hard against him, their bodies moulding together.

Sometime later, Robyn had scolded Taron when he added more than half the bottle of bubble bath to their bathtub, but as they lay together in a mountain of bubbles covered to their chin, she had to admit it was a good idea in the end.

“So tomorrow…” She said rubbing his forearm under the water. “I think we should work on our tans at the beach.”

“I like that idea very much.” Taron agreed, his eyes closed, so content in every way possible right now but he sat up a little and turning to her, took her hands under the water. “But I was thinking of something else.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Taron turned completely to face her. “I know I can’t go back, not yet but you need to.”

Robyn moved in the water so she could face him better and looked to him confused. “Sorry, I am a bit lost.”

Taron took a deep breath. “The 7/11 Robyn. You need to go back and I want you to.”

“What are you talking about.”

“If you go home and have not had the chance to go back to the store and get the closure you need, you will not be able to stop thinking about how close you were to really clearing your mind over it all. I want you to go to the 7/11 tomorrow and have the closure you need.”

“Taron…”

“I can’t go Robyn but you have to. Go and see Maggie and then come back to me at the beach.”

“Taron no.” Robyn sat up in the water and cupped his left cheek. “It is not what I want to do.”

“But it is cariad and I am not angry or upset or annoyed or anything like that because it something you need to do for you.” He took her hand from his cheek and placed it over his heart. “I know it means a lot to you to go back and you mean everything and more to me, so go and take your time and talk to Maggie and bring me back some turtles.”

The floor was covered in water and bubbles as Robyn threw herself at him to hug him tight, Taron gripping his arms around her wet body firmly. “Thank you Taron. I don’t know if I will go in and I don’t know if I will even make it past the car park but there is just something itching inside me that I need to go and see and try and just finally know if it is the last piece of the whole thing that I need to do and I will be back to you in no time and I won’t talk about any of it and I will give you a thousand head massages before the week is out and…”

“And you don’t need to give me anything. I just had some time to think today and I realised that while yes, it’s not something I need, you do and that’s important to me Robyn because you are important to me. I can chill on the beach and you can come to me when you are done.” He brushed wet hair from her face. “If it helps ease the last of the pain you carry around because of the 7/11 then you have to do it. It is late now but maybe send Maggie a text and tell her you can meet her tomorrow and maybe, the earlier the better?” He suggested with a shrug. “Just so ya know, it is quieter and you don’t have to go through any crowd’s when you get there and it is ok to not go in too.”

Robyn placed her hands on Taron’s cheeks and kissed him gently. “I love you.”

[selfundiagnosed]

why is it mean for someone to tell you you should get help? you're obviously in a lot of distress and should see someone about it for your own mental health...these 'patterns' you're leaning into are only exarcerbating your mental condition. but if you want to embrace your psychosis and go completely off the rails i guess that's your prerogative

to insinuate that a.) i dont know about my own mental state & wellbeing and you need to “tell me” because the psychosis makes it so i cant notice how it affects how i function every single day of my life b.) i need to delete my socials because of what someone else did to me to put me in this state c.) you somehow have any idea whats going on in my life, if im being treated, what symptoms im experiencing, that I legitimately cant tell ~whats real~ d.) noticing patterns doesnt mean im going off the deep rail LMFAO is all the stupidest shit ever.

for future reference, how you and the other anon are approaching someone you perceive as experiencing active psychosis is going to put people in active psychosis in danger to themselves. its funny to see random anons tell me what im experiencing and what i need to do about it to fix it when its evident from how this was approached you don’t actually care about me you just want to make yourselves feel like youre above me for whatever reason. “but if you want to embrace your psychosis and go completely off the rails i guess that's your prerogative” and “Deactivate your TikTok, delete the app and go see a psychologist” are sooo condescending. yeah deleting an app is absolutely gonna fix this problem. a diagnosis ive had since i was 15. stupid shits idek what to say like are you both actual tiktok teenagers who think they know everything about everything because get off my blog you suck so bad lmaooo sooo condescending. Im completely capable of making my own decisions im 22 lol i dont need tumblr anons i cant see telling me to do shit im doing already. i have a psychiatrist. ive been seeing him for years. i have a therapist. i saw her after my psychosis got retriggered. i know i am sick! i literally cant leave my house! when i do… i freak the fuck out! for HOURS !!! my family and friends all know how deeply this affects me and i promise you none of them have said this shit to me the way you and the “other anon” did. i stopped socializing, i havent made any new friends, i cant trust the people i do know im not close to anymore. i promise you i know WAYYY more than you about how it impacts me way more than you. my socials are the one open window i didnt put curtains on. i completely control what you all are able to see theough leaving this tiny window unclothed for the internet to look into my life. i dont need random people to see my jokes on my blog about my delusions and tell me its a delusion like im being very tongue in cheek about all of my delusional posts. i absolutely believe them but im making fun of myself for how crazy i sound.

i really have not a clue why youd think this is an appropriate way to approach it but it leads me to believe youre a tiktok user who probably thought the dude that manipulated his way into a famous persons house while she was manic was a Good Idea because clearly she wouldnt get help. lmfao its bad in so many facets. imagine if i was fully and completely immersed in my paranoia and delusions of being a targeted individual (which is the root of everything im experiencing right now): ask yourself how would you feel YOU felt targeted by a higher entity and now random anonymous people are telling you what you’re experiencing and how youre treated everyday isnt real and youre crazy. like to us its so very real and no amount of rationalizing makes it better. i have only small interactions every once in a blue moon these days that makes me think i could be okay and that im not being targeted and then every single day multiple times a day its shown to me continuously. this included! you and the “other anon” should really reevaluate how you talk to people in severe mental crisis because this is like the exact opposite of how you should react to seeing someone delusion posting or whatever and it shows me you dont know a single loved one with who experiences this shit.

in the future, fucking look into how you approach someone struggling. if i wasnt as lucid in my psychosis or in touch with reality you genuinely could have put me in danger. im going to send you and anyone on my blog watching me like im a circus act off with this so you never put anyone in my position in a state of self harm. but if youre too lazy to click on the link im showing you anyways

[doktordismemberment]

Brain Puke: 4th of July

Just passed what I guess is the 21st anniversary of my friend Nick's death and I guess some of the pain has faded with time, but I still think about him a lot...

He was my best friend for just over a decade, the drummer of the band we both played in, and truth told, I was pissed at him when he died.

Stuff happened, we fell out, the band ended, and I felt like I got shafted out of my friends, our band, and my place to live by our guitarist/ my ex-girlfriend Amy who had cheated on me multiple times, bragged about it to a bunch of her friends and still managed to get everyone on her side because my other bandmates were her cousins and "family has to stick together."

So they moved on with their lives and I got thrown in the fucking trash.

Bitter doesn't even begin to describe my headspace at the time, toward her, him, everyone...

But then me and Nick had run into each other at some death metal show out in the burbs and even though he knew I definitely wanted to stomp him he came up with a big dumb Nick grin on his face, hugged me, told me he had fucked up believing Amy's version of our breakup, and that he really wanted to squash things between us and start playing music again. Without her. Just me, him, and his brother the way it was in the beginning.

I think if it had been anyone else I probably would have just kicked their ass and went on with my day, but Nick was Nick and it was hard to be mad at him... Dude was literally one of the kindest souls I have ever met and there was just something about him that diffused situations... Even my legendarily shitty temper.

So we talked it out a bit, and agreed we should get together and talk things out more, and he... just... looked so fucking happy.

I told him my number hadn't changed and he invited me over to hang out and have a 4th of July cookout the following week... Then wound up getting killed by a drunk driver on his way to get cookout stuff at the grocery store.

The last thing he said to me that day was "I love you man... I missed you a lot."

Then he was just gone and I spent years being mad at myself that we never actually got to hang out, and feeling guilty that if he hadn't been planning a cookout for that weekend he wouldn't have been going to the store that day and he'd still be alive.

And feeling like it was all my fault that my whole world was falling apart again and this time it was definitely forever.

Fuck, I dunno... This is way off the rails at this point.

I know it's not my fault.

I've been assured of that by multiple therapists, his brother, his wife, and pretty much everyone who knows what happened.

I just miss him a lot and I still hate that he's gone.

And I hate how sharp the shattered pieces of his memory are even so many years later.

And I hate that he came up to me totally open and real and told me he loved me and missed me and that I was his best friend and he wanted to fix things I had to be the cool asshole and just say "yeah."

He was my best friend, and there was a lot I would have said if I had known that was the last chance I had to say anything.

Maybe something like: Yeah man, I missed you too.

I guess it was a life lesson, maybe something about growing the fuck up and letting go of grudges before it's too late to let go and you have to carry the weight forever.

Sucks I had to learn it that way.